The Frozen Aisle
I ran into Noman at the grocery store the other day. Searching for a line of communication, he asked if I had any shows coming up and I told him about the two, The Rio in Santa Cruz and SXSW. He feigned interest until I mentioned that they were going to be my last two on-stage participations. He looked at me quizzically. I explained that I was not personally performing shows anymore after those two. My health has been too unpredictable to drag my carcass around on a tour bus. I would stay busy doing what I did best, composing. I told him that I was planning to hold auditions at the VFW hall this summer to find a replacement. I suddenly had his full attention.
“So,” he asked,”someone else is going to pretend to be you on stage?”
“Maybe, or they may pretend to be themselves.”
“He gave me a quick glance, “Can I try out?” Noman had not gotten over his cliché dream of being a rock star even though his band, Noman Island, had fallen apart rather quickly years ago.
“Well sure,” I said dubiously, “but you have aspirations to be a singer.” He then revealed his scheme was to get in The Residents and when the singing guy retired he could take over as the Residents’ singer.
“Noman,” I moaned, “that is not exactly the attribute I had hoped for in a replacement. Anyway you don’t like The Residents. I don’t think this is a good plan.” He brushed me off saying that anyone can dance around with an eyeball over his head.
I’m not all that clear on what happened next, but I flushed red and hit him over the head with the frozen pizza I was holding. I didn’t hit him that hard but he was definitely not expecting it and fell backward into a display of DVDs. It was an awkward moment. I sincerely apologized as we picked up DVDs.
He mumbled something as he walked away leaving me holding a copy of the Cameron Diaz comedy, Bad Teacher.
I felt guilty. I still had issues to work out over this new life change. His characterization of The Residents was completely wrong. I have never danced around with an eyeball over my head. I never did that. I could have done that and I didn’t. Another item to add to the list of things I didn’t do when I had a chance. The list is getting too long.
“So,” he asked,”someone else is going to pretend to be you on stage?”
“Maybe, or they may pretend to be themselves.”
“He gave me a quick glance, “Can I try out?” Noman had not gotten over his cliché dream of being a rock star even though his band, Noman Island, had fallen apart rather quickly years ago.
“Well sure,” I said dubiously, “but you have aspirations to be a singer.” He then revealed his scheme was to get in The Residents and when the singing guy retired he could take over as the Residents’ singer.
“Noman,” I moaned, “that is not exactly the attribute I had hoped for in a replacement. Anyway you don’t like The Residents. I don’t think this is a good plan.” He brushed me off saying that anyone can dance around with an eyeball over his head.
I’m not all that clear on what happened next, but I flushed red and hit him over the head with the frozen pizza I was holding. I didn’t hit him that hard but he was definitely not expecting it and fell backward into a display of DVDs. It was an awkward moment. I sincerely apologized as we picked up DVDs.
He mumbled something as he walked away leaving me holding a copy of the Cameron Diaz comedy, Bad Teacher.
I felt guilty. I still had issues to work out over this new life change. His characterization of The Residents was completely wrong. I have never danced around with an eyeball over my head. I never did that. I could have done that and I didn’t. Another item to add to the list of things I didn’t do when I had a chance. The list is getting too long.